I recently turned 28. For the past couple of years, I’ve taken time on my birthday to sit down and reflect on everything that’s happened over the past year. It’s become a bit of a tradition at this point. It’s a perfect opportunity to appreciate all the good things that have happened, as well as take stock of all the bad. I also try to assess how my year went overall and distil any lessons I can take from it.
Normally, I write all of this down in my journal. This year, I thought I’d try something a little different. I started with my journal but figured I could take it one step further by writing the lessons up and publishing them here. And, to give myself an extra challenge, I decided to look back on more than the past year in order to come up with 28 life lessons that I’ve learned over the past 28 years.
To those older than me, 28 years may not seem like a lot. It probably isn’t. I know that there’s plenty of life left ahead of me and there’s so much of it I want to explore and experience. That said, I’ve still learned a lot during my short time on Earth so far and I’d like to celebrate that.
So, in no particular order, here are my 28 lessons.
1 – Always take time for those you care for.
When you’re young, death often feels like some faraway concept. It’s something that happens to those who are old or sick, not the young or middle-aged. On some level, we know this isn’t true, but unless someone close to us dies, the reality doesn’t sink in. Despite having lost relatives when I was younger, I continued to live life as if death were some distant thing.
This all changed last year after my best friend passed away. He was neither sick nor old; he was my age and by all accounts in good health. It came out of nowhere and blindsided all of us close to him. This, more than anything else, made the reality and inevitability of death hit home for me.
After his passing, I realised how little time I’d spent with those I care for over the past couple of years. I’d been so focused on other things – my career, my relationship, the possibility of moving to America – that I’d been taking the important people in my life for granted. I’ve come to realise how the people we love are the most significant part of life. We should cherish every moment we have with them, not take them for granted whilst we’re off pursuing other things.
2 – There are many elements to life, so don’t fixate on only one.
Building upon the last lesson, there are many elements that make a good life: career, family, friends, romantic relationships, health and fitness, hobbies, and so much more. When you focus on one disproportionately, you miss out on much of what makes life worth living.
Sometimes a single element needs special attention. Maybe there’s a tight deadline at work or perhaps a relative is sick. But these periods shouldn’t last forever. I strongly believe that fixating on a single element can only lead to regrets in the long run. I know I regret obsessing over work instead of spending time with my best friend whilst I had the chance. So, once in a while, take a step back and evaluate how you’re spending your time. Is it being spent on what’s important to you? Does it align with who you want to be? If not, maybe you need to re-evaluate how you spend your time and then make changes where you can.
3 – Spend less time thinking and more time doing.
There are no two ways about it, I’m a chronic overthinker. Always have been and potentially always will be. The problem with overthinking is that it can prevent you from doing almost anything, even the things you want to do. If you think about something long enough then you can find any number of reasons why it’s a bad idea and why you shouldn’t pursue it. But as great as our minds are, we can’t predict the future. There’ll always be something we didn’t anticipate and couldn’t prepare for. Well, if that’s the case, why not just give more things a go?
Some of the things I enjoy most in life are the things I initially thought I’d hate. When my friend Sam tried getting me into CrossFit, I couldn’t see a way I’d enjoy it. But when I actually tried it, I found a lifelong hobby and met some amazing people through it. Sometimes, when you’re feeling stuck and unsure what to do next, the best solution is to spend less time thinking and more time doing.
4 – Build an exercise habit you enjoy, then stick with it.
I was never one for exercise when I was growing up. Sure, I loved playing football but even then I’d try to avoid running where I could. Then as I grew up, I exercised less and less. I tried making a habit out of going to the gym a handful of times, but I never much enjoyed it. Eventually, I reached a point where I was significantly overweight and leading an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle.
That was 5 years ago. Now, I’m extremely active and the fittest I’ve ever been. So, what changed? I found something I loved doing.
I always knew regular exercise was good for both my physical and mental well-being, but that didn’t matter when exercise itself felt like a chore. But the moment I found something I enjoyed doing, that all changed. I no longer had to forcibly drag myself to a workout. I was ready and eager to go.
The key was trying a bunch of different things out until I found something that resonated with me. If you struggle to exercise, I recommend you do the same. Try a bit of everything, even if you think you’ll hate it. Swimming, bouldering, hiking, mountain biking, whatever takes your fancy. Just keep trying until you find something you enjoy. Then turn it into a habit and stick with it.
5 – There’s never a right time for anything.
We’re all guilty of putting things off till a later date. This is especially true for big life decisions like finding a new job, moving in with your spouse, or adopting that pet you always wanted. We convince ourselves that now isn’t the right time for it and that there’ll be a better opportunity in the future. One where you’re less stressed, or have more time, money, or support. But it’s just a lie we tell ourselves. The truth is that there’s never a right time for anything because you can always find a reason not to do something.
I would come up with every excuse under the sun for why I shouldn’t get a dog. To start I needed to finish university, then it would be the right time. Only then I needed to find a job. After all, how could I afford to take care of the dog without an income? But once I had a job, uh oh, I needed to own my own place because finding pet-friendly places to rent is difficult.
I always had one reason or another to stop myself from getting a job. But then last year I said, “To hell with it, if I don’t do it now I never will.” So, I got two dogs. Was it easy? No, not really. Most things in life aren’t. But do I regret it? Absolutely not.
Whenever you catch yourself thinking now isn’t the right time, chances are you’re just scared. That, or you’re not sure how to do what needs doing. Either way, putting it off won’t solve anything. You’ll still need to face it later, only now it’s scarier because you’ve put it off for longer. Waiting around rarely does much good. If you do it now then either it’ll go great and you’ll be glad you did it, or it’ll go less well but you’ll learn some valuable lessons (see lesson 8).
6 – Keep a journal.
I only started journaling 5 years ago, but during that time I’ve learned a lot. For one thing, it’s shown me how fragile memory can be. Things that were once very important to me, important enough to write about, are things I no longer remember. By looking back on old entries, I can also see how my thoughts have changed with time and, consequently, I’ve changed too.
Keeping a journal has also been an invaluable tool that aids my thinking. As I write about the things that are important to me, I’m able to work through my thoughts in more detail. It also lets me spot flaws and contradictions in my thinking so that I can then try to correct them, which is vital if your aim is to develop and grow as a person.
But it’s not a one-and-done deal. Over time I’ve seen certain ideas repeat themselves. This happens when I’ve found myself failing to live up to an ideal that I wish to meet. By writing about it, I’m trying to influence my thoughts in a way that helps me change the way I think, thus changing the way I act. This technique is nothing new; Marcus Aurelius pointed it out over 2,000 years ago
Your mind will take on the character of your most frequent thoughts: souls are dyed by thoughts. So dye your own with a succession of thoughts like these…
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 5.16
So, if you’ve never tried journaling before, give it a go. It might just pleasantly surprise you.
7 – You’re defined by your habits.
Whilst your mind is defined by what you repeatedly think, your character is defined by what you repeatedly do – by your habits, in other words. It took me a while to realise that, but it’s the truth. You’re not a writer because you say you are, you’re a writer because you write regularly.
As a teen, I tried defining myself through a persona. I’d outwardly project characteristics I thought I wanted or thought others wanted to see. Often, those characteristics were at odds with my values, beliefs, and who I was. Now, I’ve done away with my persona and embraced defining myself through my actions. And if there’s something about myself that I want to change, then I look at how I can initiate that change through my habits.
For a primer on habits, see James Clear’s Atomic Habits.
8 – Embrace lifelong learning.
As a kid, I never enjoyed school much. Things I found interesting and engaging were never covered, and what was covered was never taught in a compelling way. Most of it was rote learning all in aid of getting us to score highly on tests rather than to foster a genuine understanding of the material.
Over time, my dislike of school morphed into resentment towards learning itself. It wasn’t really learning that I dislikes; it was the testing. But as all learning in school was done in service of the test, I saw them as one in the same. They’re not. It feels obvious in hindsight but, rather embarrassingly, it took me a while to realise it.
Since going to university, and entering the working world, I’ve had countless opportunities to learn new things. I’ve enjoyed almost all of them. Now, I leap at a chance to learn. I learn new things that interest me all of the time. I learned to code in Python. I’ve dabbled in machine learning. I’ve studied some philosophy. I’ve read books on writing, the environment, and American history.
What I’ve come to realise is that there’s so much out there to learn, and learning itself makes life far more interesting. If you push yourself to learn more in everything you do, you’ll be all the better for it.
For a primer on learning anything, see Anders Ericsson’s Peak.
9 – Failing isn’t a bad thing.
Aside from resenting learning, another bad behaviour I picked up at school was perfectionism. With everything in the education system being centred around grading, the idea that failing is bad gets reinforced.
You’re taught early on that academic success means attaining good grades, for only through good grades can you succeed in life (which isn’t true by the way). Poor grades, aside from the implied lack of success in later life, are further discouraged by all the things associated with them. Repeated assignments or exams. Poor report cards. Uncomfortable parent’s evenings. Perhaps even being held back a year entirely. Nothing positive is associated with failing.
All this misses the main benefit failure provides, an opportunity to learn. In fact, failing is a vital part of the learning process! When you fail, you experience what not to do. Then by dissecting what you did, you can gain insight into how and why you went wrong which bolsters your understanding of whatever you’re doing.
If you aren’t occasionally failing then you’re not challenging yourself enough. You’re sticking to your comfort zone rather than pushing yourself to see what you’re capable of. Get out of your comfort zone and risk failure, for even in failing will you find opportunities to grow.
10 – Spend more time outdoors.
Growing up in the countryside, I took nature for granted. It was all around me and I’d never known anything else. When I first moved to London back in 2017, I noticed a slight deterioration in my mood. But I never thought it was the result of my change in environment.
It wasn’t until 2020 that I realised how invaluable nature was for my mental health. When the pandemic started I, like everyone else, was forced to spend all my time indoors. What little time outdoors the lockdown restrictions allowed still had me trapped inside London’s concrete jungle. It didn’t take long for my mood to deteriorate. By the time I left London, my sense of well-being was at rock bottom.
Once I was back in the countryside, I started spending a little time outdoors each day. The psychological benefit was almost immediate. My mood, sleep, and stress levels all improved. Why exactly, I can’t quite say. Maybe it’s the peacefulness of the great outdoors. Maybe it’s the increased exposure to sunlight. Or maybe nature just has a generally restorative effect on humans. To me, the why is less important than the benefits I experience. And, since noticing said benefits, I do all that I can to spend time outdoors every day. I’d recommend others to try it for themselves.
11 – Sleep is important; don’t fool yourself into thinking you don’t need much of it.
As a teen, my sleep habits were terrible. I regularly stayed up till the early hours playing games or watching TV. Things didn’t get much better at university, either. I’d spend late nights out with friends or stay up late reading. At some point, I convinced myself that I was just one of those people who didn’t need much sleep to function. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
After I started exercising more and began taking my general health more seriously, I learned just how much getting too little sleep had been impacting me. Once I started to get more sleep on a consistent basis, I noticed a host of benefits. My mood generally improved and I felt less fatigued. I had more energy when exercising. I got sick less often. And I could focus more easily. So, whilst I’m still not perfect at it, I now try to get at least 8 hours a night. Sleep is important; don’t fool yourself into thinking you don’t need much of it.
For those interested in learning more about sleep, I highly recommend Mathew Walker’s book Why We Sleep.
12 – There’s always something to stress about.
Over the past couple of years, I noticed I was always stressed about something: big work projects, planning a move to America, those plans falling through, living through a pandemic, more work projects, deciding to leave my job, getting a dog… and more. There is, and always will be, something to stress about.
When we talk about stress, it’s often in the context of feeling too much of it and wanting to eliminate it from our lives. But I don’t think that’s possible. For anything you choose to care about, there’ll be a stressful element to it. Your pet could develop an illness, you and your partner could argue, or your company goes through a restructuring. I don’t think the goal should be to avoid stress entirely. It should be to choose what stress you take on. It won’t always be possible because some things are out of our control. Nevertheless, it’s something to strive for.
13 – Seek discomfort.
We treat discomfort much like stress. It’s something to be avoided and, where possible, eliminated from our lives. Nobody likes feeling uncomfortable so on the surface, it seems sensible.
But what I’ve found is that when I’m overly comfortable, I quickly become complacent. More than that, I start to avoid difficulty and challenge as much as possible. But in doing so, I stagnate. I cease growing and changing as a person. And when I stagnate, I become deeply dissatisfied and miserable.
For me, the way to combat this has been to strategically reintroduce challenge and discomfort into my life and facing it head-on. It could be something small like taking cold showers or something larger and more challenging like participating in my first half-marathon.
The scary thing is that in seeking a challenge, I might not always succeed. But even in failing, I still learn and grow as a person (lessons 8 and 9). So, instead of avoiding discomfort, I now experiment with it instead. I actively look for things that challenge me and make me uncomfortable. I figure out how much I can handle and see where my limits lie. Throughout all of this, I gain a better understanding of myself and the realisation that I’m capable of more than I first thought.
14 – Don’t quit when things are hard. Quit when they’re easy.
Let’s be realistic about something for a moment. This lesson doesn’t apply everywhere. There will be times when quitting something is the best thing for you. Maybe it’s something that runs the risk of causing a serious injury, or something that demands more of energy from you than you have available, or maybe it’s something that’s making you completely and utterly miserable. There are times when quitting is the best option. But, in my experience, those situations are rare. For everything else, especially the things you’ve voluntarily decided to pursue, I think this lesson applies.
When we start doing something, it’s often easy. It might be a little tricky because it’s new to us, but it’s not more than we can handle. But if we stick with something for long enough, and challenge ourselves appropriately, we’ll eventually reach a point where it gets difficult. When we reach this stage, it’s easy to want to give up, to throw in the towel and move on to something that’s easier and more enjoyable. We can even come up with justifications for why it’s okay to do so. The difficult thing isn’t that important after all. Maybe we never wanted to do it in the first place. But are the justifications genuine, or are they just an excuse to avoid facing a challenge?
If you quit when things are difficult, you’ll never know the answer to that question. Maybe you don’t care. Some people don’t. Personally, I’d be looking back wondering to myself if I could have done it. When I’ve persevered through a challenge and come out the other side, one of two things happened. Either I still want to quit or I don’t. If I want to quit, like after I finished my first course in Data Science, then I know I’m doing it for the right reasons and not from the fear of a challenge. If I don’t want to quit, then brilliant. I’ve faced a difficult challenge and overcome it, likely learning many things that can help me out in the future. Either way, overcoming the challenge and making it to the other side is the best way to be sure about what it is you truly want to do.
15 – Embrace change.
If one thing’s constant in life, it’s change. You move from one job to another, colleagues come and go, stores shut down only to be replaced by something else, and you get older and find you’re unable to do some things you once could. Everything’s constantly changing. We can either choose to accept that fact or try to resist it.
For the most part, it’s better to work with the change. The frustration you’ll feel from trying to maintain the old ways is far greater than the initial discomfort of adapting to new circumstances. Resisting can feel like an uphill battle where the change keeps on coming no matter how hard you fight. But when you work with it and see where it leads, you have the opportunity to gently steer it in the right direction. The change might not do everything you want it to, but you can try to improve it in some places and make things better than they otherwise might be. All whilst minimising the frustration you’d have felt had you resisted.
16 – Prioritising is important.
Everyone and everything is after your time and attention, and this is especially true in our age of social media and mass marketing. Like it or not, time is your most valuable currency. You only have a finite amount of it so it’s up to you to use it well. If you don’t define what’s important to you and prioritise your time accordingly, someone else will do it for you. But if that happens, you might look back on your life with regret. Take the time to figure out who and what is important to you, and then do your best to invest your time there.
17 – Accept that there are some things you’ll never do.
We all have a list of things we want to accomplish. We want to learn that language, read that book, and visit that country. However, the reality is that our time and attention are limited and some items on our list are less important to us than others. Holding on to the unimportant ones can distract us from what truly matters. Accept that there are some things you’ll never do and it will free up space for you to pursue what matters most to you.
18 – Assume others have the best intentions.
When someone does something that causes you difficulty, it’s easy to assume it was done intentionally. But why should you assume that? Do you often go out of your way to inconvenience others, or is it that any inconvenience you do cause is an unintentional by-product of good intentions? I’m guessing it’s the latter. So, if that’s the case for you then why wouldn’t it be the case for someone else?
Let’s look at it another way. When we think someone has intentionally inconvenienced us, we resent them. We’re consumed with negative emotions spawned by this perceived injustice. But if we assume they had the best of intentions and things didn’t turn out how they intended, well maybe we’re still a little upset because of the inconvenience but we’re not resentful. In assuming others mean well, you can help reduce the amount of negative emotion you experience which can vastly improve your overall mental wellbeing.
19 – Having a mentor can be invaluable. Don’t be afraid to ask someone you admire to mentor you.
A lot of my early career success can be attributed to things I learned from my mentors. Having access to the knowledge of someone more experienced than you can be an invaluable asset.
Asking someone to be your mentor can be daunting, but it needn’t be. At first, I was scared and uncomfortable. I was afraid I’d be judged for needing help. I’d worry it’d be an imposition and take up too much of their valuable time. But what I saw was that more experienced colleagues would jump at the opportunity to share what they knew with their juniors. All you had to do was ask.
The trouble is that asking for help can feel selfish. You’re the one being helped so you’re the one receiving the benefit. Only, receiving help doesn’t just benefit you. Helping you will be highly rewarding for your mentor, especially if you are just starting out on a journey that they themselves have been on. Helping others nourishes the soul.
Knowing that, don’t let your worries and fears hold you back from seeking the help of others. If you have someone you admire, be it a colleague, friend, or neighbour, reach out and ask if they’d be willing to take some time to mentor you. The worst they can say is no. Given the benefits of having a mentor, that’s a small risk to take.
20 – Negativity breeds negativity.
Growing up, I was always a glass-half-empty kind of person. Only a few years ago did I realise just how much this negative mindset was weighing me down. A miasma of negativity followed me everywhere, draining me of my hope and energy. As I fixated on the downsides of every situation, my mood only sunk lower, and I began to realise how contagious negativity can be. It permeated every aspect of my life, affecting not just my own happiness but also the happiness of those around me.
To combat this, I’ve made a conscious effort to spend less time with negative people and to change my own thought patterns. When I catch myself slipping back into my negative mindset, I try to consciously notice the positives, no matter how small they may be. In doing this, I’ve found the world to be a lot less bleak.
I’ve learned that positivity is a choice – one that requires a continuous, conscious effort. By being more mindful of my thoughts, I’m slowly but surely reducing the amount of negativity around me and freeing myself to live a more positive, fulfilling life.
21 – Comparison is the thief of joy.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve tried to move away from social media as much as possible. This lesson is largely the reason why.
I didn’t use social media much until I went to university, where it became a critical tool to help me stay connected to my peers and up to date on upcoming events. But it wasn’t long before I’d be on social media even when I didn’t need to be. My usage began to increase steadily, and the habit continued long past my days as a student.
Aside from eating up a lot of my time, social media also gave me unlimited opportunities to compare myself with others – not just with people I knew, but also with strangers I’d never met. The more I used it, the more I found myself comparing. It was making me miserable.
Comparing yourself to others, especially through social media, is a one-dimensional evaluation that fails to account for your full range of strengths. Gauging your worth based on what is visible only results in unfair comparison. You might lag behind in one aspect, such as the car you drive, but you may excel in another aspect, such as interpersonal relationships. It’s a detrimental habit to constantly measure yourself against others as every moment spent wishing you had their life is a moment spent wasting your own.
22 – Buying things won’t solve all your problems; you’re just masking discomfort with possessions.
Whilst I’m not fully on board with the minimalist movement, I do believe buying things won’t bring you lasting happiness. Sure, you might experience a brief boost in dopamine when making a purchase, but it’s not long before you’re back to feeling unsatisfied. If you’re constantly seeking out new things to buy without feeling fulfilled, chances are there’s a deeper issue at play. Buying stuff might temporarily distract you from the problem, but it will never solve it. Instead, take some time to reflect on what’s really causing the dissatisfaction and take steps to address it. Only finding and addressing the root cause can lead you to lasting fulfilment.
23 – Work happens in seasons.
Throughout the year, my energy levels fluctuate. Despite that, I used to expect myself to deliver a consistent output year-round. I’d push myself to maintain a steady work pace, typically the pace set when my energy levels are at their highest, then get frustrated when I couldn’t maintain it. All this ever did was cause frustration whilst pushing me towards burnout.
What’s helped is viewing my fluctuating energy levels from a different perspective. I try to see it like the seasons of nature. Just as winter paves the way for spring and summer, my periods of low energy reinvigorate me enough to facilitate my burst of high productivity and output. I’ve realised that I need to take the time to rest so that my mind and body can recover. Without that rest, I’d never have periods of high energy to begin with.
24 – Tell people what you want.
Unfortunately, people can’t read minds. If you want to contribute to a conversation or project, or simply want something from someone else, then you need to vocalise your thoughts. Don’t keep them to yourself and develop a grudge when people don’t magically predict what you want.
A small caveat to this: Telling people what you want doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get it! What it does do is give others the chance to engage with you and your ideas. And maybe, just maybe, things will then work out the way you hope.
25 – People think about you less than you think they do.
Like many people, when I was a teen, I was deeply concerned about what my peers thought of me. What if they laugh at me for getting this haircut? What if the girl I like rejects me? What will other people think of me then!? But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised that other people mostly don’t think about me. They don’t think of others that often at all. They’re too busy focusing on themselves and their own lives
That realisation may upset you, that others don’t think about you much. But the thought can also be freeing. If most people aren’t concerned with what you do, with whether you succeed or fail, then it gives you one less thing to worry about. It frees you to try things out, to fail at them, and to try again.
26 – If you strive for perfection, you’ll never get anything done.
In lesson 9, I mentioned how thanks to school I became a bit of a perfectionist. I’d tell myself it was a good behaviour to have. Striving for perfection meant whatever I did would be done to a good standard. But the reality is that it holds me back more than it helps me succeed. When I expect perfection from myself, I find that I’m either reluctant to start or unwilling to say something is finished. Either way, it means I get nothing done.
I think now that perfectionism is just a fancy way of masking fear. It took me years to start this blog all because I was a ‘perfectionist’. But it wasn’t perfectionism, it was cowardice. It wasn’t that I wanted everything to be done perfectly, even though I told myself it was. It was that I was afraid of failing at it. Afraid that my writing would be awful, or that I wouldn’t write anything at all. Afraid of being judged for pursuing writing in the first place. So many fears were hidden behind the curtain of perfectionism.
I’ve come to appreciate that it’s better to finish something and settle for ‘good enough’ than it is to strive for ‘perfect’. In doing so, I get to experience more things instead of spending an eternity on a single incomplete endeavour. The beauty of finishing something is that it frees me up to move on to something else. I get to experience more and learn more as a result. And those experiences and opportunities to learn are some of the things that make life worth living. So, try not to let perfectionism hold you back from doing all that you can.
27 – Balance is key.
This applies to everything. Be it work, sleeping, eating, drinking, partying, spending, or anything else. Do it in moderation and aim for balance. Too much of any one thing is often bad for you. By aiming for balance, you reap most of the benefits and suffer very little in return.
28 – Make friends with people who challenge you.
I’ve come to appreciate that a hallmark of true friendship is the ability to disagree with one another without holding grudges. It sounds counterintuitive, but being able to confront one another on your shortcomings and mistakes actually strengthens bonds.
A true friend wants the best for you and sometimes that means telling you what you don’t want to hear. Being willing to speak the truth to you, even when it’s not easy, is a sign that someone truly cares about you and your well-being. These are the friends who will stick with you through thick and thin and make your life infinitely richer as a result.
PS: Massive thanks to Natalie for being a wonderful editor and an even better friend.
